you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize