i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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