"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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