i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just pynch a tree in the face
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You've changed since you got that strap on
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize