my vag is so smooth its legendary
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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