Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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