sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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