3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize