Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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