I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
