This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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