I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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