We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
