Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to sanitize my soul.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
