fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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