I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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