I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
