Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
