I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize