In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
