that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
