She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
