my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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