Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
