I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
