Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
