I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I understand Curling. That high.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
