Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
ttyl tear gas
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
