I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize