Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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