your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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