She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
