my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
