Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
