the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
