i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
