I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
