Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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