I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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