Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
