You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
