Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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