watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
