Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm like, not good at living.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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