Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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