because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
