an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
