So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
