Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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