gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
