I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
