peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
