My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
