He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
