Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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