I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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