The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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