wat bout pragnant strippers??
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
