Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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